Held by what could break me... Grief and Loss

Grief and Loss

Grief is a powerful and universal emotion, something that we all face at some point in our lives, often more than once. I want to talk about the kind of grief that affects us deeply, the grief we experience when we lose someone we love. It is a part of life that, no matter how prepared we think we are, always comes with a profound sense of irrevocable loss. Whether expected or sudden, the moment we lose someone we cherish leaves a lasting impression on us.

Saying goodbye to a loved one is never easy. It is one of those moments in life that stays with you. It imprints itself on your mind, a memory that you carry with you as you move forward. Each of us grieves in our own way, and it’s important to remember this. There is no universal model for how we should feel or express our emotions when we lose someone. Some experience grief in an intense, overwhelming wave of emotions, while others process it more quietly, at their own pace. Some find comfort in crying, releasing their sadness through tears, while others may not feel the need to cry at all. Both ways are natural. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve.

A few weeks ago, I came face to face with my own grief as I said goodbye to my grandmother. She was an extraordinary person, someone who had a profound impact on my life and the lives of many others. One of her most remarkable qualities was her optimism. Despite the challenges she faced, she always found a way to see the positive, to believe in a brighter tomorrow. It’s something we can all learn from her, a lesson in resilience and hope that can help us, even in times of great loss.

What perhaps moved me the most was how she spoke about what she called "the great mystery". To her, life was a small world within that mystery, a part of a larger whole that we cannot fully understand. This idea not only comforted her, but also gave her a profound sense of connection and meaning. Even in her final moments, there was no trace of fear. She allowed herself to be carried forward, not by uncertainty, but by a sense of love and security.

Her trust in this mystery, that unnameable something we may not be able to comprehend but sometimes feel, deeply touched me. It’s a reminder that there is beauty in the unknown and that surrendering to it is not a sign of weakness, but of wisdom. For her, death was not an end, but a transition, a return to that loving embrace she always knew was there.

This perspective helps me, even now, in dealing with my loss. Perhaps the lesson lies not only in cherishing her optimism but also in daring to trust in that mystery. While now may not be the moment to delve deeper into it, I feel that her insight is an invitation—a comforting gesture of love and peace amidst grief.

What I’ve learned in recent weeks is that grief is not something you can avoid or skip. It must be faced, experienced, and acknowledged in all its forms. And as I looked around the room where we said our goodbyes, I saw so many different shapes of grief... For some, grief is a tidal wave of emotions that cannot be contained: tears, sobs, a deep sense of pain. For others, grief is more internal, a quiet and personal experience. We don’t always cry, and that’s okay too. It’s important to understand that crying doesn’t validate or invalidate our feelings. Whether we cry or not, our grief is real, and it is a necessary part of the healing process.

We live in a world where there is often an unspoken pressure to be "strong" or to hide our emotions. Sometimes, people feel they must grieve privately, out of sight, for fear of being judged or misunderstood. But the truth is, grief is chaotic and unpredictable. On some days, it feels like you’re handling it well, while on other days, it might feel as if you’re drowning, overwhelmed by sadness. That’s normal. Grieving is part of being human, and we shouldn’t feel like we always have to put on a brave face.

At the same time, there are those who don’t cry, who process their grief in other ways. And that’s okay too. We are all individuals, and our emotions don’t follow a fixed pattern. Some people find strength in other ways, or their grief unfolds slowly over time. Not crying doesn’t mean you loved someone less or that your loss is less important. It simply means that your way of dealing with that loss is unique to you.

It’s important to know that as we navigate our grief, it’s just as vital to continue talking to those around us. Sharing our feelings and memories can help with processing and healing. By talking, we not only keep our grief alive, but also the memory of the person we lost. Sometimes, it’s necessary to seek support from a professional. This is not only important for ourselves but also for the people around us. By talking, we can help others understand the loss and find collective support in difficult times.

Additionally, it’s good to know that talking doesn’t always have to be physical. There are other ways to explore what you need in terms of healing, such as using the "Luisterkind" method. This can help you gain insight into your own needs, and for those open to it, it may even be a way to reconnect with our lost loved ones. It’s a gentle and loving way to continue feeling connected and supported, even when words sometimes fall short.

After the initial shock and grief, we are often confronted with another, equally difficult question: "How do we move on?"

Life, as difficult as it may be to accept, goes on. Even when our world seems shattered, the outside world continues. People carry on with their routines, the sun rises and sets, and we are left to figure out how to live in a world that feels different, emptier.

Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean that we stop feeling the loss or that the pain disappears overnight. Moving on means finding a way to live alongside our grief. We don’t leave it behind; instead, it becomes a part of us. The memories we have, the love we felt, and even the pain of their absence, all stay with us. But over time, we learn how to carry it differently.

After months, sometimes even years, there are moments when we miss our loved ones the most, and we almost drown in our grief again. These moments are incredibly painful, but at the same time, profoundly valuable to our humanity. They show us how much we can feel, how deeply we have loved someone, and how great the emptiness left by their absence. These waves of grief, as sharp and unexpected as they may be, are a testament to the deep connection we had. They reflect the beauty of our love, a bond so significant that it continues to resonate, no matter how much time passes. They remind us that it is a privilege to have loved so deeply, even if it fills us with pain.

For some, this process can be slow. The weight of grief may feel unbearable at first, but little by little, day by day, it becomes lighter. We begin to laugh again, find joy in the small moments, celebrate life in ways that honor the memory of those we’ve lost. There will be triggers, certain dates, places, or even smells, that bring the grief rushing back. And that’s okay. Grief is not linear; it ebbs and flows. But over time, those moments of sadness become a little less overwhelming, and the moments of joy a little more frequent.

It’s important to remember that 'moving on' doesn’t mean leaving the person we lost behind. They remain with us, in our hearts and memories. We carry their legacy forward in the way we live our lives. Maybe we take on their kindness, their strength, or, in the case of my grandmother, her unwavering optimism. In this way, they remain a part of our journey, shaping us and determining how we face the world.

Ultimately, life goes on, and so do we. But we move forward in a different way, with a new understanding of love, loss, and the strength needed to keep going. Grief, in all its forms, is part of our story, but it is not the end. Life, even after loss, remains beautiful and we continue to find meaning, even in the face of our pain. Moving on doesn’t erase the grief, it transforms it into something we can live with, something that shapes us into more compassionate, resilient people.

Whether your grief comes with tears or silence, whether you cry openly or keep your emotions close, remember this: your grief is your own, and it’s okay to feel it in the way that feels right for you. And when the time is right, know that it’s okay to take those first steps forward, let the light in again, and find joy in life once more. Because moving on doesn’t mean letting go, it means carrying the love with you always.

Love,

Lighthouse Lizz

In loving memory - Josje Rademakers

Now you are carried back to the sea,

Where many of your mornings began.

With the gentle rhythm of the waves,

You rest, as the sun kisses your face,

And the wind whispers your name.

The ocean holds you now,

Just as it held your spirit in its embrace,

A place of peace where time slows down,

Where memories and love are never far away.

You are part of the tide,

Forever woven into the heart of the sea.

Lizzy